just because everything sucks right now...

[minniemax]

A Trip to the Psychic
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
 
The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
 
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
 
"It's really, really you, grandmother?” the woman repeats.
 
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
 
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
 
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
 
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
 
"Anything, my child."
 
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
 


Grandparents


My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.  As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.  As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
 
 
  A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond.  I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.  We rode our pony.  We picked wild raspberries in the woods. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"


My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked,
"No, how are we alike?"  
"You're both old," he replied.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's computer.  She told him she was writing a story.    
"What's it about?" he asked.   
"I don't know," she replied.  "I can't read."
 
 
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her.  I would point out something and ask what colour it was.  She would tell me, and always she was correct.  But it was fun for me, so I continued.  At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 
"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of this yourself!"

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.  Still, a few fireflies followed us in.  Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa.  The mosquitoes are coming after us with flash lights."

 
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised.  "Mine says I'm four to six."
 
 
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl.  "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"


Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher.   
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.  "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.   "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
 
 
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children started discussing the dog's duties.  They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.  "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." 
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
 

Live to 100
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

 

Comments

[cyndrarae.livejournal.com]

Really cute, all of them :) I hope everything is okay sweetie?

[minniemax.livejournal.com]

more or less LOL
thank you, I'll live - it's just lots of emotional stress lately and it's so tiring...

thank God for SPN porn, it's the only thing that keeps me going sometimes ;-)

PS I especially liked the one with grandmother speaking English.... LOL!